What every office should be like.

 

Carlin kills me. 2007 rules to live by.

New Rule: 1- No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it’s for new homes, graduations, and releases from jail. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn’t gift giving, it’s the white people version of looting.

New Rule: 2- Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates. com! There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: 3- Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged.
I have a better description for these kids: LUCKY PUNKS.

New Rule: 4- If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you’re gay. If you’re a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you’re a grown man…hello?!?!..they’re pictures of men.

New Rule: 5- Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we’re done.

New! Rule: 6 – There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket – water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That’s your flavored water.

New Rule: 7- Stop screwing with old people!! Target is introducing a re-designed pill bottle that’s square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations Target…..you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: 8- The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande half-s! oy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n’-Low and one NutraSweet,” ooh, you’re a huge asshole.

New Rule: 9- I’m not the damn cashier! If you work behind the counter, do your own job! By the time I look up from sliding my card,entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don’t want cash back, and pressing “Enter” again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: 10- Just because your backside tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you spiritual. First of all, it’s right above the crack of your ass!! And it translates to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant. You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.

New Rule: 11 -Competitive eating isn’t a sport. It’s one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What’s next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They’re already doing that. It’s called “The Howard Stern Show.”

New Rule: 12-I don’t need a bigger, “mega” M&M. If I’m extra hungry for M&Ms, I’ll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: 13-and t! his one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can’t even tell if he’s supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don’t want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: 14-When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to know in months. “27 Months.” Saying “He’s two”.. will do just fine. He’s not a cheese.

from Faisal of the mailer. when I saw the first girl on the board, I thought this is not funny. then by the time i saw the third girl, I was rolling laughing!

Enjoy skate girls

Easily the most useful thing I have come across on the net in a long time. If you are Lebowski fan you will get a kick out of it. If you have no idea what the hell it means, drop what your doing and go rent the The Big Lebowski. You may have to watch a couple of times, it gets funnier and funnier, trust me!

The Big Lebowski Phonetic Alphabet

Happy Friday everyone! Something from our friends down south. I laughed hard on this one.

Stranded

A retired corporate executive decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, until the boat sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day, when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks her, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?”

She replies, “I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.”

“Amazing,” he says. “You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.”

“Oh, this?” replies the woman. “I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.”

“But, where did you get the tools?”

“Oh, that was no problem,” replied the woman. “On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable, ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.” The guy is stunned.

“Let’s row over to my place,” she says.

After a few hours of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls out off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home sit down, please. Would you like a drink?”

“No. No, thank you,” he says, still dazed. “Can’t take any more coconut juice.”

“It’s not coconut juice,” the woman replies. “I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?” Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, “I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.”

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

“This woman is amazing,” he muses. “What next?”

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and flowers strategically positioned, and smelling of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

“Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, “We’ve been out here for a really long time. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for all these months?” She stares into his eyes and takes his hand in hers.

He can’t believe what he’s hearing. “You mean,” he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes, ” I can check my e-mail from here?”

Inspirational Posters that are all Star Trek. These should be hanging in every office and bathroom, nation wide!

Inspirations

Corbert has put yours truly on notice. I have been waiting some time now to have my name in lights. Want to put someone you know “On Notice”? Get your chance, click on the link below.

Notice!

Here is a link to shit pile of South Park episodes online. You cannot download, but you can watch them in your browser. Looking to pass some time in a meeting or while someone is talking to you, here you go!

Goddamn Hippies!

Just in case you missed it Rush Limbaugh got himself in trouble with some pills a few years back. Here is the end result.

Talk about someone who has friends high up, this story broke late on a friday.

Rush